How Kyle fathomed the ancient bass and saved the cotton ball industry…

This story is completely true, and we all have one. More to come…

Kyle is often heard saying, “I am the most humble person in the entire world. Ever.” This is backed up by 3,198 pages of his own painstaking research. Should you choose to read the second footnote of the 341st page of his Introduction, you will know this:

In the year 1743, the greatest Portuguese explorer named Fitzgeraldo discovered a long lost civilization of mini pygmies, living deep in the Amazon jungle. They were so short that their entire civilization fit inside what he described as “some sort of gourd.” It was actually the most monumental structure they had ever built, and was also a working electric bass. We may never know how such tiny people accomplished this feat, but sometimes you can hear their high-pitched, little voices when Kyle plays*.

Knowledge of the bass’s function was lost for many years, and most people simply pointed and laughed when they saw it. Indeed, Kyle himself believed it was a yellow fin tuna, a hockey stick and an alarm clock at multiple stages of his life. His confusion was unlike that of a normal person. For example, one afternoon his roommate went out to buy bread, leaving him in the living room staring at the ancient object. He was found three hours later hanging upside down from a tree, mumbling about hockey clocks and alarm fin tuna.

Inevitably, the bass became self-aware and hatched a plan to corner the market on cotton balls – the takeover of Kyle’s very mind was Phase One of its dastardly plan. Soon, the whole cotton ball industry would be forced to kneel and scrape to its every whim. All hope was lost, but… the bass hadn’t counted on Kyle’s obstinacy. On the battleground of his consciousness they engaged in mental combat, the shape of which could not be described by geometry. The fate of his mind, and that of the world, or at least modern swabbing, hung in the balance. Fortunately, Kyle was able to soundly thrash the bass by repeatedly slamming its psychic projection into his own cerebral cortex.

Afterwards, all was forgiven, but Kyle still made the bass sign surrender documents stipulating four hundred years of unquestioning fealty and adoration, which the bass is currently serving out.

And thusly went going just so did the story go, and so it is today.

* “Why?!? WHYYYY!?!?” and “Please, pass the maple syrup,” and “Turn the volume down, it’s 3 o’clock in the fucking morning!!!”